The Lord of Steel

The King-Lords-Of-True-Metal-And-Heavy-Steel are back ladies and gentlemen, and they want us no good, no good at all. While their 11th studio album (and first since the death of drummer Scott Columbus), The Lord Of Steel, was released in UK ("The Hammer Edition", June 2012), the rest of the world is asked to wait until the end of September to get its hands on the Prrrecioussss. It has been five years since the oh-so-underwhelming Gods Of War, was the wait worth it? Has the band came back from its voyage to Valhalla, where Odin in his hall awaits all the fallen bands and true metal heroes (in other words, tells them to retire when they inevitably become utter crap)? Well, no. Simply put, Lord Of Steel is even worse than Gods Of War. The production is simply inexplicable, Eric Adams sounds weakened and even muffled (he is at times almost completely covered up by this absurd and really annoying buzzing bass). Oh and of course, the songs. They are unbelievably underwhelming. There was a time when Manowar, although being the pinnacle of goofiness (and steel), was actually fun to listen to. Okay the lyrics were nonsensical, but they were hilarious to shout. And okay the music was not brilliant, but there were anthemic moments that made you want to get bare chest, grab your cock with your left hand and a war axe with the other, and go bury it in some random poser's belly (and maybe bang his sister too). Manowar was to music what Commando is to cinema: a gigantic pile of random nonsense soaked in testosterone. It was bad, oh yes that is was. But deliciously bad! You felt silly and jubilant, and it felt great! Now, what has the band become, what is it left? Well, The Lord Of Steel kicks off with a fast-paced riff that makes you hope for the best for, like, ten seconds. Because then Adams starts to sing, and things suddenly get clearer to you: this album is going to be soooo weak. The second track, Manowarriors, is I think the best track of the album. Well, the most Manowar-like, at any rate. With a better production, a louder guitar, an Adams in shape and most of all without that GOD AWFUL BUZZING BASS, DAMMIT, it could even have been a good little silly song. But it's not, it's just average, dumb, and weak. And buzzing. I'm not going to make a track-by-track description of the album because it would not make any sense whatsoever, but to be fair, there are moments here and there, for the fanatics of this band. The chorus in Born in a Grave is good enough and could have been great if you could actually hear Adams sing. But you hardly can, unfortunately. Righteous Glory is one of those slow-paced heroic songs (about a Valkyrie) Manowar likes to offer from time to time (oh not too often, just on every single record). It's not a bad song, there is only one slight problem: this song is basically Swords in the Wind, another slow-paced heroic song from the album Warriors of the World . Don't believe me? Alright: Righteous Glory (2012): In righteous glory she'll come to me tonight She will carry me across the other side My brothers wait, Odin knows my name In the hall of the slain. Now remember Swords in the Wind (2002): Place my body on a ship and burn it in the sea, Let my spirit rise, Valkyries carry me Take me to Valhalla where my brothers wait for me Fire burning to the sky, my spirit will never die. You know, it's like they have a lyrics generator at this point. "Odin? Check. Valkyrie? Check. Carry across? Check. Brothers? Check. Okay, let's see... *Ding ding! Chorus complete.*" And that's about it for the good moments. The rest is or too slow, or bland, or repetitive, or re-re-redone, and always uninspired. At least Gods of War had two good songs, where The Lord Of Steel has two decent ones. What we have here is in truth a hollow, weak and boring album coming from a band that is the ghost of what it once was: wicked fun. That time is nowadays long gone, it might be time now for them to face it and to depart for Valhalla. Odin is waiting, brothers.